And I started thinking about how this all ties in with trying to conceive. It's hard for me as a 'spiritual' person (or at least someone who tries to be spiritual) to separate the two. I have mostly concentrated on the biological, science side of it all, but what if I am missing a trick by ignoring 'The Self' in this whole journey? And how does God, or the universe or whatever it is that you believe in, tie in to all of this? Is this what God wants for me, is it part of the bigger plan? Or does it all just boil down to science, and chance? I just cannot believe that. The self, and the spiritual is an ongoing journey, so I don't know the answers to these questions. It's almost like I have become detached from it all, and I often even feel that I have lost my broodiness with the barrage of science, doctors and hospital appointments that I have been immersing myself and my husband in over the past few months. It's all become so clinical. Where am I in all of this?
I went to see a woman recently who does Reiki and Reflexology for women who are TTC. She has an abundance of downloadable meditations to help these women to get back into their bodies and their fertility. In our session she did healing and reflexology whilst talking, in a suitably lovely and hypnotic voice, about my body's ability to conceive and carry a child. I felt pretty emotional while she was doing it, but had a really hard time connecting to my body. And I realised that actually, I haven't really felt connected to my body in quite a long time. I have put on weight since we got married (I'm not obese, but I certainly don't look and feel my best) and I barely recognise the grey, floppy Mrs Blobby I am greeted by in the mirror each morning. It also got me thinking that the slight hatred I have developed of my tummy cannot be a healthy and positive affirmation for any babies out there who are thinking of implanting themselves in my uterus. 'Come and nestle into my fat blobby tummy, I hate it, but you'll be ok in there!' Nope, it just doesn't work. I have to recondition myself to love my body and trust it, and know that it can do what it is supposed to do.
Self hatred and disgust should, perhaps, be dealt with before trying to conceive. And of course, that ties in with being healthy. (I haven't gone into the science of why I might have put on weight - there are plenty of websites for that and it's just not on my mind as I write this.) I think all of this trying-to-make-a-baby stuff is very overwhelming and can cause us to disconnect from ourselves, perhaps physically, spiritually and emotionally.
The realisation that we are unable to do what the female body is so naturally meant to do is really, really hard to deal with. But meditation can help. While I meditate I put my hands on my tummy and try to think good thoughts towards that general area and in particular my slightly tubby tummy. It's tricky, but with practice I think I can learn to accept it. It's pretty important where babies are concerned. I'm still trying to reconnect to my spiritual side, but in the mean time I will start with the physical and go from there. And, as a side note, I'm still not entirely sure what spirituality is, but I suppose for me it's about the connection between the self and the greater power or the 'sacred' outside of us, whatever that is for you - God, angels, the universe, the source - and the oneness of everything. I know in the past that when I have felt properly connected to that idea, I have felt most connected to myself. And I'm pretty sure that's an important start to the ttc journey and beyond that, being a parent.
